I’ve always said that after I’m dead I don’t care about what happens – after all I believe that my soul, that essence that determines what I am, will have flown to another dimension.
But then of course the people in my life will stay on, and I sometimes I think what words I would like to leave them, along with the memory of what I have meant to them in this world.
To my mother I would say that, no matter our differences, our bond is an immensely strong one, a spiritual connection beyond that of mother and daughter. Also, that we must cling to memories of long ago, better times, to find strength for the grey days.
To my brother I would say I’m so sorry we have wasted such precious time – let’s learn from our mistakes and maybe give ourselves another chance, if not in this life maybe in the next.
To my ex-husband I would say ours was a passionate relationship, but sadly doomed from the start by our major differences. Somehow I always had an intuition that we would not make each other happy but later I have understood the reason why, even so, I persisted: because if it weren’t for him I would not have had my children. And he is undoubtedly a great father to them. I could not have wished for a better one.
Mimi I would thank for all the unconditional love and support she brought into my life: without her my adult life would not have been the same, starting with my career. I was always assured the boys were well cared for while I was at work or away and this has allowed me to spread my wings and fly.
To all the persons that I have loved and who have loved me, including my dear, dear friends (that I would not name as I would not like to miss even one of them): I would say they contributed to make my life so rich, so bright, so full, such fun; they have supported me in my darkest hours and laughed with me in my joys; patiently heard about my dreams and dried my tears when I wept. My life without them would have been incredibly empty. I would thank them for giving me all the wonderful experiences of life, and my friends for their loyalty, the thing I prize above all.
To those who have envied me, despised and humiliated me, disappointed me and above all betrayed me – I would say nothing. They mean absolutely nothing to me.
I would leave for last, if not least, Nuno and my boys.
To Nuno I would say he was an unexpected gift from life, when I no longer believed in love. He has shown me it was, after all, possible, and unlike in my marriage I always felt he could be the one. And he has been indeed – we have lived such beautiful moments together that I could not describe them all. To him I could say so many things but perhaps from them all I would keep the most meaningful words: “Thank you”. The rest – he already knows.
And then my adored boys, Afonso and Pedro. I have been fortunate to love and be loved in my life – but they are my greatest loves. What I have felt for them since they were born, the moments of joy they have brought me, the lessons they have taught me – I love them beyond what words may convey, they are beings of light and my greatest wish in this life is that they may be free to make their choices and live happy, full lives. And I hope they understand that, even making mistakes as the frail human being I am, I always tried to do my best for them. I would also thank them for being in my life, for allowing me to become their mother and for showing me the greatest love of all.
Then I suppose I would have to get practical. I would like the ceremony to be held at the church of S. João de Brito in Praça de Londres (in English London Square), near Mexicana, the café where I spent so many meaningful moments of my life. And I would like some words to be said about me by my friends – I would entrust my friend Beli to organize this, and she of course would have to say something, as would probably my closest friends…maybe my boys could say a few words too. And then some music – probably “She” by Elvis Costello – I would love to be remembered by that song. And then of course I would want to be cremated, but then that detail everyone already knows. Ah, and by the way…the funeral agency would have to be Servilusa…I know it’s expensive, but then they are different and smart. You know me…chic to the end!
So, I’ve said it. Maybe one should say these things just because… after all I hope all this will take place some years from now. I’m so full of life and projects, one of which is certainly to go on to “pestering” the universe with my writing…so my dear all, who knows I might still change a few of the messages above…let’s go back to business and be thankful – for I am, and deeply- that tomorrow is another day and that we are healthy and getting on with our lives.
Because you haven’t seen the last of me. I’ll go on surprising you. After all, isn’t it what I have done with this post?