Still loving you

He remembers the first time he saw her, the friend of a friend…tall, slim, with dark blond curls falling down her shoulders, deep set eyes the colour of the sea when it is more green than blue…

He loved her then as he loved her during the next three years and a half when they were going out together. And it feels as if he has never stopped loving her in fact.

Their time together was intense yet serene, adventurous but with a feeling of security…they trusted each other completely; she was his lover but also his best friend and confidante; and he knew he was the same to her. They travelled to so many places together, discovering the world. She was by his side in his darkest moments, through failures and fights, as well as in moments of victory; and he stood by her always and gave her his shoulder to cry on when she felt lost inside. Still, they had a balanced relationship: he never stopped seeing his friends and doing things with them and she did the same with her friends. They were young, they knew, but theirs was like an old, mature love, if felt as if they had known each other for centuries, from other lives, and again had found each other to continue their love story.

But somehow they began drifting apart and having doubts – they felt they were too young to be in such a serious relationship. He began thinking he was somehow missing some of the adventures he should be having at this age; and she probably felt the same. As uneasiness installed itself between them one day it was inevitable: they sat down and talked, and cried, and held each other, and then talked some more and finally took the most heartbreaking decision: that they should go their separate ways. Not that they didn’t love each other but they had many doubts about the right thing to do, and it just felt like being together was not the best thing for either of them.

The first weeks, months, were tough. She had become a habit, and a delightful one at that. He missed her mischievous look and easy smile; her voice on the other side of the phone, always sweet even when he was taunting her about being late or anything of the sort; he missed her kisses, making love to her, but most of all he missed having that special someone who was always there for him. But he would not turn back, and stubbornly he prepared to live his life without her.

He then decided to make the most of being a free man – and went out as never before, to discos, with his friends, coming home early in the morning or sleeping out with girls he had just met and who meant nothing to him; a few of them became attached to him and wanted more than just a one night stand, but he wouldn’t have it. Once or twice there was a girl he saw a few more times and when he was asked “Is she your girlfriend?” his sharp reply was “She is not! She will never be my girlfriend!”, and he angrily turned away. He was cold, he felt cold inside, he had no feelings for those girls, they could not be compared to her, and in his heart he felt she was unique, one of a kind.

One day he admitted to his mother “I believe maybe one day we will get together again”. She looked at him and said nothing, but in her heart worried about her son and wondered if after all that much thought about decision to break up had been the best for him. But she said nothing as mothers should not interfere in these matters of the heart.

After a few months he missed her more than ever. He was busy with his exams but even so he thought constantly of her. And one night, late, after he had studied so much he could not concentrate any more, he picked up his tablet and wrote a text dedicated to her, pouring his heart out. He wrote that he still loved her, that she was the one for him, that she was the kindest girl he had ever met, that he should never have let her go, that he missed her so much his heart ached…but still he was undecided, as he didn’t want to go back and say all that to her without being one hundred per cent sure he had made up his mind he wanted to be with her for good; he didn’t think it was fair to begin anew while he still had the faintest of doubts about what he really wanted…

In a few days his exams were over and he was restive. He looked for the advice of someone older and wiser, and when he mentioned what he had written, he was bluntly told: “It seems very simple: you still love her”. And when he replied he wasn’t ready for a decision, not yet, he was told not to worry: “Your heart will tell you when the moment arrives. Then, you’ll know what to do”. And that night, when he went home after going out with his friends, he kept thinking of those words, and hoping it would be so.

And then the moment came and he was sure. Only a few days later, he somehow knew he wanted to be with her, really wanted to be with her. He wanted her to be his girlfriend again; he wanted to share his life with her, to have her by his side; he wanted to be able to pour his heart out to her and know she would understand every word, every feeling, and every sensation. He wanted to lose himself in her eyes and hold her close and never let her go. And he impulsively called her, after so many months. As it happens, she also wanted to see him – very much.

And so they resumed their relationship. With their love stronger than ever. Because it withstood the test of time, of having other experiences, of trying to see if it would fade away. But it hadn’t. After all the time apart, they still loved each other. As the Scorpions sing in their beautiful, heart-rending song – which they probably never heard, as it came out years before they were born – they looked at each other and simply admitted “I’m still loving you”.

 

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