Sometimes I wonder if you still think of me, after all these years.
I must say – for years I didn’t think much about you. Marriage, motherhood, career, so many things happening at the same time. They all filled my thoughts and it seemed I was always too busy with the present and planning for the future.
I don’t know why, but getting older makes you look at the past more often. Maybe it is because life becomes increasingly unsatisfactory – the same job, the same routines and problems and absolutely no space for dreaming as when we were young and carefree.
Then I came across our photo, the one we took in the public garden near my school – remember? It was a lovely, sunny, warm spring day and your arm was on my shoulders and we were both laughing, so happy…and then again, just the other day as I was walking down the street I felt the warmth of the sun on my face, the soft spring breeze caressing me and it felt just like those happy days of so many years ago, when we were young and so much in love. And again I thought of you and wondered if life has treated you kindly.
You were very much my Prince Charming, tall, athletic, handsome and smart, so knowledgeable about many things, and I learned so much from you. I found your world fascinating: I became friends with your friends, I started going to all the places you used to go to, to dress as you liked me to, to listen to the sort of music you enjoyed…you taught me about love, too – I remember your intense kisses that made me shiver all over, walking hand in hand or with your arm over my shoulder, dancing slow songs almost without moving and feeling your lips on my neck…your irresistible grin, your ever ready smile and how your beautiful green eyes turned dark whenever we disagreed, and we disagreed many times.
Written in the stars
Looking back I guess we were too young and immature, unable to understand the depth of what we felt for each other. Because of this we broke up many times, and many times we came back to each other. Our relationship was a never ending succession of joys and heartbreaks, happy moments and sorrowful tears coming down my face as I saw your irresistible smile on your photo and cried my heart out because we had fallen apart yet again.
We had other loves but still we came back to each other. You were like an addiction to me, and I suppose I was the same to you. After a certain time we agreed we should not date “properly”, but have what we called at the time a “colourful friendship” that would enable us to live that strong attraction we felt for each other without expecting much more. Still, ours was a friendship so special that it filled our hearts and our lives, and for a time there was no need for anything or anyone else.
It seemed the stars were not on our side. When I finally admitted to myself how deeply and truly I loved you, you were in the arms of someone else. When, after months of a pleasant colourful friendship, you were about to tell me how much you had missed me while I was away on holidays, and maybe something more, I interrupted to tell you I thought I had finally found the love I had been looking for for so many years, and you were silent and said nothing more. Looking back, I believe that was the moment when we lost our last chance of being together.
A special friendship
And then we became real friends. Special ones, but still friends. You saw me living my love story and you lived several inconsequential romances that came to nothing. Until, finally, you also met the one you had been waiting for, and you told me you were happy.
For several years we kept our friendship intact. Even if we didn’t see each other as often as we used to, we were still best friends, and sometimes we got together and laughed remembering the old days when we were sweethearts or had our very “special” friendship. And we felt so happy that we had managed to remain true friends after all that we had lived together. We even attended each other’s weddings and wished each other great happiness with all our hearts.
Time passed and slowly we drifted apart and lost touch.
The photo and the songs
And now, most unexpectedly – our photo and the spring breeze being to blame – I think of you. I think of the tender moments we shared, of the songs and bands you taught me to love (Blondie, The Tubes, The Motors, Dire Straits, The Ramones, only to name a few) and when I think of our love story I feel that maybe – only maybe – we met too soon in life. We were too young – you wanted to live it all very quickly and I was too afraid and insecure. Still, what we had was so strong that I believe had we been older and wiser we might have lived our love story in a very different way and with another outcome.
The day I found your photo, as I was going through the papers I also came across the title of a long forgotten song that I used to think perfectly described our story: “I just fall in love again”, a most romantic song by Anne Murray. And as she sings about how she keeps falling in love with the same man – and a simple touch is enough to make it happen – I smile to myself and think who knows, maybe if our paths crossed once more we might find ourselves falling in love with each other again and this time maybe – only maybe – the stars would be on our side.